We tend to believe the best person for support during a tough time will always be someone who’s been there before.
We’re wrong.
New research shows we may get better help from people who have been through a significant challenge that is different from our own. Social scientists say this is because those who have been through an unrelated challenge can empathize with our emotional pain. Yet they won’t assume they know what our experience is like or bring their own emotional baggage to the conversation.
Meanwhile, those who have “been there” before sometimes talk more than they listen. They may also give advice based solely on their experience and forget that ours may be different. And because they already got over the problem, they might think we should, too.
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The key is to look for someone whose experience was emotionally similar to yours, says Stephanie Preston, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, who studies empathy. For example, if you’re devastated by the divorce you’re going through, someone who has experienced a devastating job loss may be a good fit.
