Claudio Abilio had hoped to move on after ending a relationship she described as toxic and emotionally abusive.AI Icon But continued interactions — for various reasons — became fraught with tension and drama, said Abilio, 36, of London.
Around this time, Abilio came across the “gray rock method” while scrolling TikTok.
Gray rocking is “a communication tool that involves being less engaged during an emotionally toxic interaction,” explained Brianne Markley, a psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic.AI Icon
By responding to goading comments with a blank expression and calm, neutral tone — imagining you’re a dull gray rock, in other words — “you’re not adding fuel to an already volatile fire,” said Chloe Nazra Lee, a resident physician in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Rochester Medical Center in New York.
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When to use the gray rock method
Scientists haven’t really studied the gray rock method in clinical settings. And some experts stressed that this technique is not recommended if you think someone might become violent. If you have concerns about your safety in a relationship, you should seek professional support immediately, Markley said. Depending on the situation, “it might not be safe to totally disengage from an abusive person,” she said.
It could be a reasonable strategy to “be a gray rock” when dealing with someone you interact with only occasionally, such as an annoying neighbor or co-worker, “but when there is a narcissist in your house, that’s different,” said Sandra Graham-Bermann, the director of the Child Resilience and Trauma Lab and a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Michigan.
In situations where you don’t feel unsafe but do have to interact with a difficult person, the gray rock method is “just good advice on how you manage” them, Graham-Bermann said. “You don’t give extra attention; limit your engagement and protect yourself.”
Read the full article on The Washington Post.
