Within just the past two years, I have traveled to four different countries. All of which have very different cultures, religions, and sets of beliefs and values. I have never experienced culture shock before, but my time in India has proven to bring difficulties that I have not had to face, but has already caused me to look very deep within myself. Asking myself who I am and what I truly want out of this life.
Everywhere I have gone, I have been able to disappear into a crowd to some extent. In Brazil, I was perceived as being Brazilian by many people. In Peru and Sri Lanka, there were enough tourists that I could just be a part of the group. This is not possible here in Kolkata as there are not many tourists, and the people who live here are Indian. I stick out everywhere I go, and cannot walk anywhere without people staring at me, and some ask for a selfie. This inability to disappear has made it difficult to feel like I have a home here.Certain parts of myself I have had to mask here or have had to change in order to fit in. I have also had to feel struggle that comes along with my queer and feminine identities.
One of my biggest values is independence, and here I have been living in a building with a lot of my coworkers. I have struggled to feel alone or able to make decisions by myself and for myself. The infringement on my independence has made me feel less at home. I also carry myself informally and abide by many anarchist values. Here, there are a lot more expectations to act formally and submit to certain hierarchies that exist. This has made it more difficult to feel like I am within my own body, autonomous, and authentic.
As for my queer identity, it is not common to be openly queer here. This is my first Pride month that I have not celebrated since I accepted this part of myself. I have not been able to find a queer community, which has led me to feel quite lonely with this part of myself. Even though I do not identify with being a woman, this is the way that I am perceived. This part of myself has been made a lot more visible and really disconnected from my body. The culture here is quite patriarchal, and men are more likely to be who I see out and about in public, which makes me have my guards up often and realize how truly vulnerable I am to the world based on being a small feminine feminine-presenting person. Being from the U.S. offers me financial freedom and freedom of movement that a lot of women here cannot afford, which is a privilege within itself. However, I am understanding the complexity of all of my identities combined. The thoughts and feelings I am having around them have never shown up in the way that they are now, which is a great learning experience for me, even though it has been wildly uncomfortable.
"Her body is viewed as grounds to be walked on rather than worshipped
To be hidden away rather than embraced and shown power
She is viewed beautifully in her youth
Protect her youth and within that, her mind, her purity, and her security
She is but a pawn to be used in the broader game
Rather than men learning how to take up less space, she is forced to bend herself over backward just to stand up straight
To prove herself and look pretty
I yearn for women to say enough is enough
And for the brave men that are left to say the same and more
To let her shine in her own light
To let her dictate her own life"
When it comes to being a woman, the feelings that I am feeling now are ones that people face every single day. After these couple months, I get the choice to leave and go back to a country where I am offered freedoms and opportunities that just are not possible for others, because they are women or because they aren't given the financial and material resources that they need. I am grateful that organizations like Prayasam exist to help women develop skills necessary to create more power within themselves. I love listening to the kids that I work with talk about their dreams and take up space. I love listening to my coworkers talk about the changes they want to see come to fruition. I believe with my whole heart that things take time to change, and that everywhere in the world has so much to discover to move towards more just and equitable realities
My time here has made me yearn for home in a way that I have never experienced. When I am abroad I usually forget that home even exists. All the lessons that I am learning on a daily bases have lead to the discovery that working abroad is not for me, at least not in this region of the world. I will carry all that I have learned with me and hold the people at Prayasam and the few I have met in my heart forever. I will bring these stories and lessons home and allow them to influence my work. This is all a part of the journey, and I am forever grateful for it.
